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Today’s twenty-somethings have been exposed to
more pornography, and research is showing that
they’ve become more accepting of it.
I heard from a young woman the other day who
didn’t get why I was anti-porn. “It’s a great way for
my fiancé, to meet his needs when I’m not in the
mood. I don’t want him to keep bugging me if I’m not
into it that night. And he shouldn’t just have to ‘deal’
with frustration, either.”
What’s not to love about porn?
It may seem helpful enough now, but I’m convinced
that couples like this will pay a price for their casual
acceptance of porn.
I remember when a group named Science in the
Public Interest made a stink about an unhealthy,
formerly unpublicized, very tasty ingredient in movie
theater popcorn: Coconut oil.
Problem is it will clog our arteries for the same reason
we keep going back for refills: it’s loaded with the
most addictive kind of fat.
Porn is like movie theater popcorn laced with heroin.
It’s up to us to decide whether or not we’re going to
consume it, but let’s at least understand what it does
to us:
1. Porn ruins real sex.
The woman from the couple above said that her
fiancé prefers real sex when he can have it.
Unfortunately, even if he prefers flesh-and-blood sex
with her now, the scale may tip as he keeps using
porn.
The high of infatuation fades over time in a
relationship. Why diminish attraction even more by
exposing ourselves to a parade of alternative sex
objects? Study after study has demonstrated that
viewing pornography diminishes research subjects’
attraction to and satisfaction with their real-life
partners.
I see it all the time in my practice: One client knew
her husband was back into porn because he never
wanted to make love to her. Another client, a porn-
addicted young man, found that sex with his
girlfriend was only exciting when he imagined they
were being filmed.
2. Porn fails to satisfy.
Prolactin is one of the feel-good chemicals that comes
in like the tide after lovemaking and leaves us
contented and more attached to our partner.
In a study at the University of Paisley, some subjects
had sex with their partner; others masturbated to
porn. Afterward, there was 400% more prolactin in
the bloodstream of the subjects who had made love.
Mitch sought my help because he felt trapped by
porn, and he didn’t like what it was doing to his life. “I
get fed up and try to stay away. But then some part
of me wants to explore again. I think, ‘Okay, I’ll look
for a few minutes. Then I get hooked in and stay at it.
Later, looking back on the time I spent, it feels so
empty. Before, when I was with a girl and the
attraction was mutual, I was happy to just be with
her. Life was an exciting adventure. Now, with the
porn, life’s just bland. I get on the computer and look
something up. That’s as special as it gets.”
3. Porn kills confidence.
A client complained to me: “I get a gross feeling in
the morning from being so exhausted from looking at
porn the night before. I’m disgusted with myself. It
sets my day off on the wrong foot. I go about my
business and pretend I’m fine, but inside something
feels amiss.”
The other day another client concluded, “Porn has
played a part in my being afraid of real women. When
I can get on the computer and look at any woman, it
makes me look past real women. Now, if I bump into a
beautiful girl, I may think, ‘She’s pretty,’ but there’s
not the same pull, the same electricity that I used to
feel. Now the only way I can get that intense
attraction is from porn. It makes me not trust my
reactions to women, so I’m gun-shy. I used to feel
better when I got more aroused by my imagination
instead of looking at a computer screen.”
There are lots of couples like our first one out there.
I’m sure some are open to the possibility that porn
may not be good for them or for their relationship. If
you’re one of them, please remember: there’s heroin
in that popcorn.
more pornography, and research is showing that
they’ve become more accepting of it.
I heard from a young woman the other day who
didn’t get why I was anti-porn. “It’s a great way for
my fiancé, to meet his needs when I’m not in the
mood. I don’t want him to keep bugging me if I’m not
into it that night. And he shouldn’t just have to ‘deal’
with frustration, either.”
What’s not to love about porn?
It may seem helpful enough now, but I’m convinced
that couples like this will pay a price for their casual
acceptance of porn.
I remember when a group named Science in the
Public Interest made a stink about an unhealthy,
formerly unpublicized, very tasty ingredient in movie
theater popcorn: Coconut oil.
Problem is it will clog our arteries for the same reason
we keep going back for refills: it’s loaded with the
most addictive kind of fat.
Porn is like movie theater popcorn laced with heroin.
It’s up to us to decide whether or not we’re going to
consume it, but let’s at least understand what it does
to us:
1. Porn ruins real sex.
The woman from the couple above said that her
fiancé prefers real sex when he can have it.
Unfortunately, even if he prefers flesh-and-blood sex
with her now, the scale may tip as he keeps using
porn.
The high of infatuation fades over time in a
relationship. Why diminish attraction even more by
exposing ourselves to a parade of alternative sex
objects? Study after study has demonstrated that
viewing pornography diminishes research subjects’
attraction to and satisfaction with their real-life
partners.
I see it all the time in my practice: One client knew
her husband was back into porn because he never
wanted to make love to her. Another client, a porn-
addicted young man, found that sex with his
girlfriend was only exciting when he imagined they
were being filmed.
2. Porn fails to satisfy.
Prolactin is one of the feel-good chemicals that comes
in like the tide after lovemaking and leaves us
contented and more attached to our partner.
In a study at the University of Paisley, some subjects
had sex with their partner; others masturbated to
porn. Afterward, there was 400% more prolactin in
the bloodstream of the subjects who had made love.
Mitch sought my help because he felt trapped by
porn, and he didn’t like what it was doing to his life. “I
get fed up and try to stay away. But then some part
of me wants to explore again. I think, ‘Okay, I’ll look
for a few minutes. Then I get hooked in and stay at it.
Later, looking back on the time I spent, it feels so
empty. Before, when I was with a girl and the
attraction was mutual, I was happy to just be with
her. Life was an exciting adventure. Now, with the
porn, life’s just bland. I get on the computer and look
something up. That’s as special as it gets.”
3. Porn kills confidence.
A client complained to me: “I get a gross feeling in
the morning from being so exhausted from looking at
porn the night before. I’m disgusted with myself. It
sets my day off on the wrong foot. I go about my
business and pretend I’m fine, but inside something
feels amiss.”
The other day another client concluded, “Porn has
played a part in my being afraid of real women. When
I can get on the computer and look at any woman, it
makes me look past real women. Now, if I bump into a
beautiful girl, I may think, ‘She’s pretty,’ but there’s
not the same pull, the same electricity that I used to
feel. Now the only way I can get that intense
attraction is from porn. It makes me not trust my
reactions to women, so I’m gun-shy. I used to feel
better when I got more aroused by my imagination
instead of looking at a computer screen.”
There are lots of couples like our first one out there.
I’m sure some are open to the possibility that porn
may not be good for them or for their relationship. If
you’re one of them, please remember: there’s heroin
in that popcorn.
